I've struggled to write this blog post, and yet if I don't write it, this record of our life would carry on with a major event left out. This post documents the loss of our precious baby. It is written from my heart so that I will always remember the small details that are part of this big, huge thing called loss.
July 4, 2011 was a wonderful day in the Steffensrud home.
That morning, I took a pregnancy test.
I took about 4 more after that first one just to make sure.
I don't recall ever feeling as completely excited, elated, over the moon as I did when I read that one little word...
PREGNANT.
I had thought for a very long time about how I would tell Doug that we were expecting a baby. I searched websites and read many blogs that discussed that topic.
But none of the ideas I read were very appealing to me. And then it came to me! We had a BUN IN OUR OVEN!
It was about 5pm and we were getting ready to go to the Lewis' annual July 4th picnic. I had kept the secret to myself ALL DAY LONG. Finally, it was time to leave for the picnic, and for my grand plan to unfold.
After we had gathered everything up to leave, I said to Doug, "Shoot! I forgot to turn the oven on to bake some buns for the picnic! Will you just pull them out of there and we'll bake them later?"
He pulled the pan out and was headed to put it in the fridge, but finally I convinced him that he needed to take the foil off the pan!
We were both so incredibly excited.
We had the most fun time telling all of our friends and loved ones. People say you should wait until you get through the first trimester to tell people you're pregnant...just in case.
I could barely contain the news for a few hours much less a few weeks!
I don't understand that whole waiting to tell thing. Everyone who we love and who loves us needed to know that a very special baby was on it's way into the world--
regardless of the outcome.
I called Dr. Steidl's office the very next morning to report the news. It would be almost 5 weeks before I would finally get to go for my appointment. The waiting was just awful!
But for 5 weeks, we got to talk about baby, dream about baby, make plans for baby, think about the nursery, get morning sickness (and all that comes with it).
We got to imagine life WITH our baby.
And then finally, the day came!
On Wedneday, August 10th, I barrelled out of bed with more energy than usual. I hurried to get dressed. I scurried around yelling at Doug, "Hurry! We can't be late to see our baby!" After I'd been ready for 5 whole minutes and he STILL wasn't ready, I determined that we would just have to take two cars. So, I hugged and kissed him and told him I'd see him there.
(We actually had planned to leave for work directly from the doctor's office, and thus we'd need two cars. But, we DID plan to FOLLOW each other there--that is, until I got overly antsy!)
I got to the doctor's office just in time to wait. :)
I filled out the papers with glee, checking all the boxes, telling all of our medical history.
I watched two other pregant girls in the waiting room, wondering how far along they were and was my belly going to be cute like hers or gi-normous like hers? Either way, it didn't matter. I was having a baby.
Finally, it was our turn to go in.
I think I was undressed and on the table before the lady even told me what to do. I was ready to get the show on the road, to meet our precious baby for the very first time.
The room, at first dark, was filled with the bright light of the sonogram screen.
And there it was--my womb up on the big screen with my name, and all of the stats. I beamed with excitement and squeezed Doug's hand.
But then, the air in the room seemed to change.
It was quiet. Too quiet. Way too quiet.
"That's not a 9 week-old baby.", said the sonographer.
Something was very wrong.
I immediately began to cry.
Our baby did not have a heartbeat, and for a moment or two, I don't think I had one either.
The sonographer stumbled over her words, but her eyes told me everything I needed to know.
"No, don't cry. We'll just do an internal sonogram. I bet the dates are off."
I knew the date.
The date was not off.
Our baby's soul had already gone to Heaven.
Things were complicated because my body did not get the message that the baby was no longer alive. And so we waited, and waited and waited somemore.
Ten very long days.
On August 20, 2011, I opted to take a medication that would help the process to begin.
At 5:00pm, I held in my hand the tiny, lifeless sack that held the body of our precious child.
Doug was with me.
It was bitter.
It was precious.
It was awful.
It was...
so many things.
The days to come were a flurry of friends, family, covered dishes, cards in the mail, treats left on our porch, visits, emails, kindness, support, empathy, sympathy, love.
It's funny. I'm a chaplain. I deal with death, loss and grief almost everyday of my life.
But I had no idea what loss really felt like until now.
We buried our baby under the shade of our huge oak tree, surrounded by the lilies and iris that bloom in the spring. One day soon we will plant a tree in this place.
I hope for a blooming tree, one that will remind me that God's mercies are always new.
This past summer was the beginning of a terrible drought. The ground has been parched, as have all of the trees and plants.
Everything looked dead, or at least dormant.
But one morning, not long ago, I pulled back the curtains of my bedroom window (which faces the backyard), and to my amazement, one beautiful flower was growing tall right near our baby's grave.
I was amazed to see it's beauty in the midst of dead grass and leaves.
It was a symbol to me that God isn't finished yet.
It brought me so much comfort.
Many things have comforted me in the midst of this loss...
Knowing God, and trusting His plan has been my primary comfort.
Phonecalls from loved ones just to say, "I'm thinking of you."
Thoughts of Heaven, and the knowledge that we will see and hold our baby someday.
Talking to others who have also experienced a similar loss.
Hugging and crying with Doug.
Hugging and crying with others.
Talking about it.
Crying somemore.
Hugging somemore.
Repeat as needed.
Our baby was going to be due on March 13, 2012.
Instead, we will hold our baby in Heaven.
"Give us faith to be strong, give us strength to be faithful
cause life is not long, but it's hard.
Give us grace to go on, make us willing and able,
Lord, give us faith to be strong."
~Andrew Peterson
